anticipation....

yes, it is 330am est.  I have second dose of "poison" of this round 3 in just a few hours.  I start feeling better, then they hit you, knock you down.  I've done this before.  I know it will be awful for days, I know I will feel better in a while.   but then I know next time it will be worse.  It will be worse every time. 


the rollar coaster of emotions.  better on days I feel better.  crappy on the days I don't.  


If this disease could just stay the same.  If I have to take multiple rounds of chemo then so be it.  I have never felt the cancer.  I never knew it had spread.  it jumped out on a ct scan.  I had just done awaited with my church family.  it was an amazing time.  I met great folks I would not have met and they have so enriched my life.  it would be just 11 short days later my life changed forever.  thanks to cr's, especially my "purple girls".


my freshwinds friends carried me through.  I hope they know but maybe they don't really realize.  I have never experienced friends like this before.


david has stepped up and taken care of me.  as some of you know, it is me that is suppose to take care of him.  this last year our insurance company spent more money on me than many previous years when david was sick.  this was never suppose to be.  I am the nurse, it is my job.


last year people kept telling me to fight.  I did not know how much good if any that would do.  one doc called me a "fatalist" because my attitude was one that God had it all planned out anyway.


I am not so sure now.  I do believe that God has a beginning and end determined.  but what goes in between seems not so much a divine plan or blueprint.  we have free will to choose.  we try to do the right thing.  but do we always choose the best.  I know I don't.


God's original plan was not for us to have death, disease, problems, etc.  His plan was to be paradise.  


then came the choice of adam and eve in the garden.  paradise gone.  death, disease, destruction now the norm.  God never planned this.  He does not do this to "teach us a lesson".  


God does deliver us from death, disease and destruction,just like He delivers from sin.


so, just maybe there is something to be gained in fighting against this terrible disease.  why else would someone take this "poison" in hopes of being found "no evidence of disease".   I will keep fighting.

round 3 number 1

well, it's a good thing I have 2 weeks to recover til next dose.  haven't left house since I got home from dinner with david and bill wed nite.  showers wear me out so david got me a shower chair.  yep, I am the owner of my first old lady equipment, unless you count the tight hose so my legs won't swell so much!  at least the chair helps so I don't get so out of breath in the shower before my legs give out.

I spend my days watching reruns of ncis and criminal minds watching the clock for the next time for my pain pills.  don't freak out you religious people but I was tempted to add some rum to the mix.  I understand why people in pain do that.  don't worry, I am very careful with my pain meds. 

I also understand why people went to kavorkian!  I could not do it but I understand more now than when I took care of people who were dying.

my head is tingling in anticipation of my hair failing out in a couple of weeks.  dustin, get your clippers ready.

I have found it does not matter how comfortable your chair is when you are in it 24/7!

it amazes me when grown men think they are "all that" when they catch a football and score points.  yeah, I love football season and miss it every year when it it over but come on.  Find a cure for say cancer, then I will say you're "all that".

sorry, you caught me on a bad day, and this is just a bit better than the last few.......just saying!

poison called gemzar

It's time to let you know what's going on.


After 5 of 6 gemzar treatments the poison the side effects did me in.  I was dehydrated but very swollen.  Had to have IV fluids at home over a weekend.  Blood work not doing well.  Nauseated.  You probably get the idea.  I had a CT to see if there were blood clots causing the swelling or perhaps the cancer had progressed.  Neither were great choices.  


The CT scan showed the lymph node had at least halted growth.  No improvement but no growth either.  Since the side effects were taking their toll on me, lowering my quality of life, the 6th gemzar was not given.  


Today we saw the doctor.  We need to change drugs.  The goal is to shrink the node.  If we do nothing it will grow.  So, next Tuesday we start Taxotere.  This week is a rest week.  We need to get going on this.  


Here's the hitch.  Gemzar is the only drug that would let me keep my hair.  So, in about 4 weeks I will be bald again.  He was concerned how I felt about that.  The only answer is it's just hair.  My choices are no hair and continue in attack mode or keep my hair and let the cancer go.  I just can't do that.


David told the doctor that we had found that women with metastatic uterine cancer only live a year.  The doctor said that's right.  Kind of sobering.  But my DDD (drop dead date) was Jan 4.  My CT scan was one year to the day that we found metastatic disease last Jan.  So we have done really well, beat the odds if you will.  God used poison to give me time.  Precious time.


I was so hoping the first round of treatments beginning last Jan would do the trick.  I have found out one thing.  It's not so easy to trust this time around.  Especially when I feel so bad.  I know God sees my heart and I try to rely on that truth.  Jeremiah 29:11 is still true no matter how I am feeling or whether I "trust" or not.  God is still in charge even when my faith is not so high.


David is realizing we are doing just that.  Buying time.  He knew it but it is hitting him again.  It is a sobering thought.  Actually, we are all on borrowed time.  I am reminded again, we are all at His mercy.  Live the best life you can.  He's God................

the last month.....

I know I have not updated for a while.  I had three treatments, one per week, then due to low blood counts had to take a break.  Gemzar does a number on your blood counts.  

On Dec 17, last Saturday, Dustin married Jessica.  The new Mr and Mrs Orner are in Mexico on their honeymoon.  We are now officially "empty nesters".  In exchange our family has grown and no one had to get pregnant and give birth!

We all had a great time. The Orner and Glaser families are so blessed!

My break ended yesterday with the 4th treatment.  We start again and I have to tell you I do not look forward to the next few weeks.  I will have follow up CT when the 6th treatment is done.  Not sure when that will be due to the blood count issue.  Fatigue is a big deal with Gemzar too along with feeling like I have the flu without actually having it.  My oncologist is taking good care of me doing all he can to make me feel as good as possible.  He can only do so much.  

I know it seems weird or something to post about Dustin and Jess' wedding then follow with cancer stuff.  But, that is what life is.  Both good and bad.  It comes to us all.  It is no respecter of persons.  God tells us that.  

So life goes on.  We celebrate life and at the same time fight the bad.  I still want my miracle. I was reminded tonight this cancer, as all our issues, problems, baggage etc belong to Him.  So does the good.  He promises to take care of us.  The tricky part is to let God do what he does!

Here we go, Chemo Round 2 #1,

The first treatment was Tuesday Nov 15.  There will be 6 treatments in total given once a week skipping a weak when blood counts get too low.  And then there's the wonderful fatigue.  Oh yes, the yucky feeling that hits a couple of days after the infusion.

This round is due to that stubborn lymph node near my aorta the has now decided to grow accompanied by rising CA 125.  It sucks.

This time I decided to not try to be brave enduring the yuk feeling and muscle pain and take pain meds on the bad days.  There are no medals for suffering through chemo treatments.

And that is what I am doing today.  If you called and I did not answer, I don't feel like taking.  Besides, I am drunk today! 

I have made special requests not to be given advice, preached at, and not to hear about your relatives with cancer etc.  Thanks to those who honored my request. 

I want to live as normal as possible as long as I can so I tried to go to the first Awaited rehearsal this week without success.  I did however receive support and encouragement in the form of we love you's, come hang out whenever you can, and an "on the spot" prayer for my peace and strength.  Thank you Paula! 

I have a lot of movies to catch up on.  Maybe next week. 

Today I had my every three month CT scan. 

Here are the findings: 

The lung tumors are responding well, some even smaller than before, some the same, some even gone. 

The lymph node near my aorta is not fairing so well. It has started to grow. 

The tumor markers are also elevated ( blood work ). 

Therefore, i will begin chemo next week. A different drug than last time. The main side effect is fatigue, like I don't know about that! I will keep my hair this time. Apparently the other side effects seen with chemo agents are not likely with this drug. I will have one treatment a week for 6 weeks then scan again. ( am I glowing yet? ) 

The good part is that they are trying to "nip it, nip it in the bud" as barney fife would say. 

The discouraging part is that they have to do it at all. love you, family, can I call you that?

Feelings yet to be figured out!

it is now october....

I saw the movie 50/50 twice. It's a movie about a young man,27, diagnosed with a rare, invasive spinal tumor. the name was very long and even though I am a nurse it's too much for me! Anyway, 50/50 is a "dark" comedy, not one of those sugary, sappy cancer movies. I really identified with the emotions and reactions of Adam. The initial diagnosis, disbelief, shaving the head when the hair started to fall out. Not wanting to, not wanting to believe it but the hair was coming out in handfuls. Didn't want to walk around with bald spots. The screaming all by myself really loud. Wishing everyone would stop telling me I would be ok. No one knows that. Maybe God will heal me. Can He? Absolutely! Will He? I don't know. Am I doing well right now? Yes for sure. But I have to be honest with myself. To do otherwise will serve no useful purpose. Even though I get really tired I am going to watch my grandsons Nick and Blake play their football games, watch Haley cheer her heart out every time I can. Blake has decided to take up wrestling. So, I'll be doing that too. I am gonna be with my children as much as they can stand me. I'm going to dance at Dustin's wedding, enjoy our new daughter Jess. The only place I wanted to see is Hawaii. This has been made possible through a generous gift from some awesome people. Thanks so much. You know who you are. We will have personal tour guides also known as friends that "snowbird" in Honolulu. Now that's the life. During chemo I did not miss any Fresh Winds engagements and don't intend to miss any in the future. You might need to prop me up, but I will be there. Sounds like Michael Jackson, oh my. BTW, If you are easily offended, don't go see the movie.............love to all.