dark places....

yes, that's where I am.  one of those dark places I can go so easily.  this time it not only affects me.  


I have been guilty of pushing folks away.  many folks have told me how good my new hair looks.  I start to believe them then I see myself in a mirror or a picture.  my friends try to encourage me but I push them away.  I could wear my wig.  I could use a "do rag".  I am tired of those.  it really doesn't help for people to try to encourage me.   I get overwhelmed with folks making over me.  I know that's not normal, that I should not feel that way.  but I am not normal, especially now.  this is uncharted territory for me.  only thing I can figure is that I am self conscious about it and embarrassed.  when I look at myself I see a bald headed old lady.  I can't help it.


my intent is not to hurt anyone's feelings but I am sure that is what has happened.  I am sorry. please forgive me if you can.  

time...............issues.............

time, it's unpredictable.  precious.  fleeting.  scary.  passes too quickly.  allows us to enjoy.  love. experience both happiness and pain.  to live.  love.  laugh.

i am very aware that at any time one of my many doctors could tell me that the tumors are active.  i am only as confident as my last scan or test.

now i want to spend as much time as possible with the ones that are close to me, the ones that i love.  everyone has their own lives and lives are so full.  there just isn't enough time to go around.  i do hope we don't run out before doing all the things that we so want to do.

then there are "issues".   we all have them. and you know what?  they are still there when you get sick or some catastrophe forces it's way in to your life.  don't know what to do about it.  i guess some of the issues are not worth carrying around.  others don't seem so important after all.  but others you just can't seem to shake off.  oh if there could be a magic wand to make all things different.  but we all know better don't we........

i wish we had prepared better for retirement.  i would be so tempted to retire now and spend lots of time with the 8 people i love the most....david, michelle, bill, haley, nick, blake, dustin and jess.

but if i had that much time on my hands i would only get myself in to trouble.  i would sit at home and go to that "dark place" too deep and too often.  besides, i need the distraction. and the money.  gotta have money to be off work cause i like to shop.  don't have time to shop when working.....

so until i can retire i will just have to be satisfied with how much free time we have to be together.  i hope we can make the most of it.

i love you all!

you'll be ok!

haven't updated for a while.  yeah, I'm still pink and breathing.

I feel good, just get tired.  get out of breath when do anything physical.  guess I'll have to not do anything physical.  I am working more, getting closer to 40 hours.  I am in remission.

went to last wednesday.  awesome time of worship.  music for the entire time.  music speaks to my soul. sometimes, most of the time, it is the only thing that lifts me up.

I put on a good face when I am with people.  but I can go to the dark place so easy when I am by myself.  sometimes I want to be by myself.  it's probably not good for me.

His love endures forever.  I gotta remember that.  I know He loves me.  I've heard it all my life.  Sometimes I have to really remember it.

I have folks come up and tell me that they had cancer too.  or a family member had cancer.  That they have been cancer free for a bunch of years.  You will be ok they say.  most of them are referring to primary sites, they found it, took it out and it has not come back.  I had my primary site in june 2009.  I am dealing with metastasis.  that changes the whole game.  outcomes change markedly when there is metastasis.  stage IV is never good news.  there I go with "nurse talk" again.  unless God intervenes I know what is in store for me.  like my sister-in-law says, I know too much.

cancer free is a misnomer.  no one can say with certainty that they are cancer free.  even those who have never been diagnosed with cancer.  you just do not know.  it hides and pounces on you and you don't even feel it.  the best anyone can say is there is no evidence of disease.  that's it.  ned.  I can't even say that.

the folks that tell me I'll be ok mean well.  they want to encourage me.  they have the best intentions.  I get that.  maybe they want to make themselves feel better.  it's hard to watch someone go through this and not be able to help them.

maybe the definition of "you'll be ok" needs to be reconciled in me.  I think when someone tells me I'll be ok they mean the cancer will be cured, or that I will live a long time.  don't get me wrong.  I would like nothing better.

when I am told I'll be ok I need to see that the meaning is really what ever God decides for me is ok.  If  He sees fit to extend my life for many years I'll be ok.  if He does not, then I'll be ok too.  What ever God decides, I'll be ok.

mean while, life goes on.  it was great to see my fresh wind friends at graeter's last nite.  ice cream is my greatest down fall.  well, that and chocolate.  we are going on vaca with the kids to destin.  david and I will celebrate our 40th anniversary jul 3.  dustin and jess are getting married dec 17th.  I am in remission.  gonna be a great rest of the year.................

how do you make a hormone?

You forget to pay her!!  har, har......

Sorry but wanted to laugh a bit......

Went to the doctor on Monday.  I know that's a surprise, another doctor visit.  He was almost ecstatic.  Very pleased to say the least.  All tumors smaller, remember I was only given a 60% chance of remission.  Remission is defined as cancer not active, smaller and no new sites.  He did not expect it to go away.  I was and still am hoping for a different kind of miracle.  The one that the cancer is ALL GONE!  It could happen you know!

But for now I started the next therapy.  Hormone therapy, hence the lead off joke!  It is a form of progesterone.  It is to make the remission last longer.  It is also used as primary therapy and makes tumors smaller. 

The pharmacist told me it is also used to treat anorexia.  Now, that is all I need.  A life saving drug that could make me eat more.  The dose is 5 pills a day.  If being treated for anorexia you take all 5 at once.  So I will divide the dose!  Hopefully it will kill the cancer and not make me eat myself silly!

Took the boys to the movie while Michelle and Haley were at the cheer gym nearby.  They split up for the ride back to the gym and Blake rode with me.  Upon arriving back at the gym I took off my wig and replaced it with a bandana.  I said to him "Look at grandma's bald head".  "Is it all over" he asked.  "Yes" I replied and I showed him.  "That's sad" Blake said.  What a tender 7 year old.  Then I told him "no, it's not.  The medicine is making the cancer smaller.  It will grow back".  I hope he is ok and does not worry.  It is hard to know what's in a kid's mind, you know?  I always believed you should be honest with kids.  Come to think of it, mine turned out pretty good. 

What we've been waiting for

Chemo done.  Scan done, labwork drawn.  Verdict in.


Dr Crane called today.  Cancer continues to shrink.  Tumors smaller than last scan in March.  I said everyone wants me to celebrate, but I don't want to.  He said yeah I know, but we all need to celebrate more than we do.  No one knows what will happen.  I will be in remission until the tumors start to grow and/or show up somewhere else.  Dr Crane will open a bottle of wine to me tonight!  


We will start hormone therapy at my next visit in a couple of weeks.  He is researching another treatment too.  We will do labwork in 6-8 wks and scan again in 3 months.  We are still on the "attack" mode!


Spoke with my friend Leslie today.  She is a survivor too.  We've known each other since we lived in Nashville.  One of those friends that you can pick up right where you left off.  Not many of those kind of friends around.  She gets it.  She was honest enough to tell me the fatigue will last a while.  Hers lasted 9 months.  Wow definitely not what I wanted to hear.  But at least I know.  


So since I wasn't sick until I had chemo and the tumors are all smaller, it stands to reason when I finally recover from the chemo I won't be sick.  Really looking forward to that! 


If anything speaks to me it is music.  On American Idol tonight Lauren sang Martina McBride's "Do it Anyway".


Some of the lyrics go like this: 


God is great but sometimes life aint good
And when I pray
It doesn't always turn out like I think it should
But I do it anyway
Yeah I do it anyway, yeah, 

You can pour your soul out singin'
A song you believe in
That tomorrow they'll forget you ever sang
Sing it anyway
Yeah sing it anyway

So, even tho' I don't feel so well right now, even tho' I'm scared this is not over, even tho' I feel alone sometimes, I will celebrate.  Do it anyway!

next steps

last treatment this round
notice the bags that hold
the "poison" hanging
above my head!

Before this treatment I had to have a Neupogen injection last Friday.  My white blood cells had fallen and this injection helps my bone marrow make new ones so I can have the "poison" take them down yet again.  Cannot afford to get an infection as my body will have a difficult time fighting infection without adequate numbers of WBC's!

Saw the doc before the treatment as usual.  The shot worked, treatment as usual.  We will scan again next week and go from there. Also drew tumor marker CA125 today.  Both tests will either confirm or deny remission.  

My cancer is the kind that responds well to hormone therapy.  My hormones bit the dust a while ago!!!  Not the right hormones anyway.  Still have to take the pills.  We will start them probably in four weeks.  We don't want the hormone therapy to interfere with the poison doing the rest of it's job.  We are going to be "aggressive" with this cancer.  The hormones will prolong remission, we hope!

Even though Dr Crane does believe in prayer and miracles.  He has to give me the facts, medically speaking.  I appreciate that he told me upfront he will always be honest with me.  But he adds, he has been surprised by some of his patients that defied the odds.

Overall, statistically speaking, the odds are not in my favor.  Uterine cancer is the most common of gynecological cancers and when caught early, removed with no evidence of spreading, has a very good mortality rate.  For you non-medical types, they live longer.  That was the prognosis given to me in June 2009.  That changed January 2011.  When uterine cancer metastasizes, spreads, the mortality rate goes remarkably down.  Survival rate of 12 months or less.  I did warn you not to read my blog if you cannot handle it.   

I have to know the truth medically speaking.  I cannot hide from it.  I do not discount miracles.  So no sermons needed, at least today.  I am remarkably calm today.  But I don't feel bad yet.  That will come Wednesday....................

This is what I am fighting for, in no particular order:

 

The rest of you know who you are!!!

I love you!

PS:David told Dr Crane about his healing when he was hit by a car at 15yrs old.  He was in a body cast for several months.  One night his mom prayed to God for his healing.  You see he was told he would not walk again.  She cried out to God, " You COULD if you only WOULD".

You all know what happened.................Dr Crane said they should have turned that in for the second miracle for the Sainthood of Pope John Paul II !!

He has a great sense of humor.   A merry heart doeth good like a medicine!

Yay GOD!

the week leading up to Chemo #6

Here I sit as I contemplate my last treatment, for this round at least!  What is next?  This has sure been a year I would not have chosen.  Not even for my worst enemy.

I don't look forward to Monday, sitting there is not too bad.  But the days that follow suck.  I know the side effects are temporary, I hope.  But I still get depressed.  I think that I get depressed because I let my thoughts go to the fear place.  That I will die a long, drawn out, painful cancer death.  That's what I envision.  And maybe that is what will happen, eventually.

Today I listened to Max Lucado's Fearless book.  He pointed out that God wants us to talk to Him about whatever we are afraid of.  Be very honest.  He knows anyway.  Mine would be, God I am scared, I don't want to die.  Take this cancer from me.  Kill it.  But Your will is what I really want.  Max reminded me that this is how Jesus prayed before the crucifixion.  Jesus was not so anxious to die either.  He begged to be relieved from it.  But, he knew it was the Father's plan.  It also exemplifies that Jesus understands what I feel. He did it too.

I am self conscious about my lack of hair.  Well if Oprah is brave enough to let herself been seen in public without makeup and a fancy hair-do then surely little ole' me can open myself up too.

Without makeup, as if you had to be told!

With makeup, a little better!

Top it all off!