the last month.....

I know I have not updated for a while.  I had three treatments, one per week, then due to low blood counts had to take a break.  Gemzar does a number on your blood counts.  

On Dec 17, last Saturday, Dustin married Jessica.  The new Mr and Mrs Orner are in Mexico on their honeymoon.  We are now officially "empty nesters".  In exchange our family has grown and no one had to get pregnant and give birth!

We all had a great time. The Orner and Glaser families are so blessed!

My break ended yesterday with the 4th treatment.  We start again and I have to tell you I do not look forward to the next few weeks.  I will have follow up CT when the 6th treatment is done.  Not sure when that will be due to the blood count issue.  Fatigue is a big deal with Gemzar too along with feeling like I have the flu without actually having it.  My oncologist is taking good care of me doing all he can to make me feel as good as possible.  He can only do so much.  

I know it seems weird or something to post about Dustin and Jess' wedding then follow with cancer stuff.  But, that is what life is.  Both good and bad.  It comes to us all.  It is no respecter of persons.  God tells us that.  

So life goes on.  We celebrate life and at the same time fight the bad.  I still want my miracle. I was reminded tonight this cancer, as all our issues, problems, baggage etc belong to Him.  So does the good.  He promises to take care of us.  The tricky part is to let God do what he does!

Here we go, Chemo Round 2 #1,

The first treatment was Tuesday Nov 15.  There will be 6 treatments in total given once a week skipping a weak when blood counts get too low.  And then there's the wonderful fatigue.  Oh yes, the yucky feeling that hits a couple of days after the infusion.

This round is due to that stubborn lymph node near my aorta the has now decided to grow accompanied by rising CA 125.  It sucks.

This time I decided to not try to be brave enduring the yuk feeling and muscle pain and take pain meds on the bad days.  There are no medals for suffering through chemo treatments.

And that is what I am doing today.  If you called and I did not answer, I don't feel like taking.  Besides, I am drunk today! 

I have made special requests not to be given advice, preached at, and not to hear about your relatives with cancer etc.  Thanks to those who honored my request. 

I want to live as normal as possible as long as I can so I tried to go to the first Awaited rehearsal this week without success.  I did however receive support and encouragement in the form of we love you's, come hang out whenever you can, and an "on the spot" prayer for my peace and strength.  Thank you Paula! 

I have a lot of movies to catch up on.  Maybe next week. 

Today I had my every three month CT scan. 

Here are the findings: 

The lung tumors are responding well, some even smaller than before, some the same, some even gone. 

The lymph node near my aorta is not fairing so well. It has started to grow. 

The tumor markers are also elevated ( blood work ). 

Therefore, i will begin chemo next week. A different drug than last time. The main side effect is fatigue, like I don't know about that! I will keep my hair this time. Apparently the other side effects seen with chemo agents are not likely with this drug. I will have one treatment a week for 6 weeks then scan again. ( am I glowing yet? ) 

The good part is that they are trying to "nip it, nip it in the bud" as barney fife would say. 

The discouraging part is that they have to do it at all. love you, family, can I call you that?

Feelings yet to be figured out!

it is now october....

I saw the movie 50/50 twice. It's a movie about a young man,27, diagnosed with a rare, invasive spinal tumor. the name was very long and even though I am a nurse it's too much for me! Anyway, 50/50 is a "dark" comedy, not one of those sugary, sappy cancer movies. I really identified with the emotions and reactions of Adam. The initial diagnosis, disbelief, shaving the head when the hair started to fall out. Not wanting to, not wanting to believe it but the hair was coming out in handfuls. Didn't want to walk around with bald spots. The screaming all by myself really loud. Wishing everyone would stop telling me I would be ok. No one knows that. Maybe God will heal me. Can He? Absolutely! Will He? I don't know. Am I doing well right now? Yes for sure. But I have to be honest with myself. To do otherwise will serve no useful purpose. Even though I get really tired I am going to watch my grandsons Nick and Blake play their football games, watch Haley cheer her heart out every time I can. Blake has decided to take up wrestling. So, I'll be doing that too. I am gonna be with my children as much as they can stand me. I'm going to dance at Dustin's wedding, enjoy our new daughter Jess. The only place I wanted to see is Hawaii. This has been made possible through a generous gift from some awesome people. Thanks so much. You know who you are. We will have personal tour guides also known as friends that "snowbird" in Honolulu. Now that's the life. During chemo I did not miss any Fresh Winds engagements and don't intend to miss any in the future. You might need to prop me up, but I will be there. Sounds like Michael Jackson, oh my. BTW, If you are easily offended, don't go see the movie.............love to all.

keeping you updated more often .....

saw a friend tonight that has been checking my blog for updates.  told her I did not have anything to say. I did kind of leave you hanging by not giving you the "final" results of my ct scan.

final result was almost the same.  it read "most" of the lung tumors were still smaller than the previous scan in May.  the peri-aortic lympn node was unchanged.  Stubborn little sucker, to quote Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman when she flipped that oyster, or whatever it was, across the restaurant.  now that I think about it she said slippery little sucker.  still funny.

but now I am having severe right arm pain.  had venous dopplar study for clots, none.  had neck and right shoulder mri, found some issues but the torn long tendon on the biceps muscle seems to be the culprit.  also had xrays on right are, no tumors on right arm and shoulder, that's great.  so, steroid injection right anterior shoulder joint.  do some exercises.  now lets see what happens.

the medical community does not expect the tumors to be "gone".  their goal is to reduce them and no new sites.  now I can live with that.  but I will not be satisfied until they're gone.  that's my goal.

now about those dark places.  you really did not think they would go away did you?  they are never far away.  I do know some things are almost guaranteed to lift me above them or at least to the top half of them.

my traveling worship choir, Fresh Winds.  whether practicing, performing, or just hanging out that does it.  and crossroads.  especially last wednesdays.  if you have never been, you don't know what you are missing.  there is no adequate way to describe it.  it's one of those things you just have to be there......

tonite brian shared with us that God wants us to take adventures.  now this adventure I'm on would never have been my choice but I know that God is and will do things in me and my family that could never have happened on another path.  as you can imagine we have not seen all these as yet.  guess He'll just have to keep me around for a while huh?  no harm in asking for sure.

dark places....

yes, that's where I am.  one of those dark places I can go so easily.  this time it not only affects me.  


I have been guilty of pushing folks away.  many folks have told me how good my new hair looks.  I start to believe them then I see myself in a mirror or a picture.  my friends try to encourage me but I push them away.  I could wear my wig.  I could use a "do rag".  I am tired of those.  it really doesn't help for people to try to encourage me.   I get overwhelmed with folks making over me.  I know that's not normal, that I should not feel that way.  but I am not normal, especially now.  this is uncharted territory for me.  only thing I can figure is that I am self conscious about it and embarrassed.  when I look at myself I see a bald headed old lady.  I can't help it.


my intent is not to hurt anyone's feelings but I am sure that is what has happened.  I am sorry. please forgive me if you can.  

time...............issues.............

time, it's unpredictable.  precious.  fleeting.  scary.  passes too quickly.  allows us to enjoy.  love. experience both happiness and pain.  to live.  love.  laugh.

i am very aware that at any time one of my many doctors could tell me that the tumors are active.  i am only as confident as my last scan or test.

now i want to spend as much time as possible with the ones that are close to me, the ones that i love.  everyone has their own lives and lives are so full.  there just isn't enough time to go around.  i do hope we don't run out before doing all the things that we so want to do.

then there are "issues".   we all have them. and you know what?  they are still there when you get sick or some catastrophe forces it's way in to your life.  don't know what to do about it.  i guess some of the issues are not worth carrying around.  others don't seem so important after all.  but others you just can't seem to shake off.  oh if there could be a magic wand to make all things different.  but we all know better don't we........

i wish we had prepared better for retirement.  i would be so tempted to retire now and spend lots of time with the 8 people i love the most....david, michelle, bill, haley, nick, blake, dustin and jess.

but if i had that much time on my hands i would only get myself in to trouble.  i would sit at home and go to that "dark place" too deep and too often.  besides, i need the distraction. and the money.  gotta have money to be off work cause i like to shop.  don't have time to shop when working.....

so until i can retire i will just have to be satisfied with how much free time we have to be together.  i hope we can make the most of it.

i love you all!