the week leading up to Chemo #6

Here I sit as I contemplate my last treatment, for this round at least!  What is next?  This has sure been a year I would not have chosen.  Not even for my worst enemy.

I don't look forward to Monday, sitting there is not too bad.  But the days that follow suck.  I know the side effects are temporary, I hope.  But I still get depressed.  I think that I get depressed because I let my thoughts go to the fear place.  That I will die a long, drawn out, painful cancer death.  That's what I envision.  And maybe that is what will happen, eventually.

Today I listened to Max Lucado's Fearless book.  He pointed out that God wants us to talk to Him about whatever we are afraid of.  Be very honest.  He knows anyway.  Mine would be, God I am scared, I don't want to die.  Take this cancer from me.  Kill it.  But Your will is what I really want.  Max reminded me that this is how Jesus prayed before the crucifixion.  Jesus was not so anxious to die either.  He begged to be relieved from it.  But, he knew it was the Father's plan.  It also exemplifies that Jesus understands what I feel. He did it too.

I am self conscious about my lack of hair.  Well if Oprah is brave enough to let herself been seen in public without makeup and a fancy hair-do then surely little ole' me can open myself up too.

Without makeup, as if you had to be told!

With makeup, a little better!

Top it all off!

questions asked and answered--chemo #5

I have felt stronger this past two weeks. I do end up paying for it when I finally get home.  So far my blood counts have been ok.  Not so this time.  White Blood cells have fallen to the level that now I have to return to the office Thurs and Fri this week for possible neupogen shot.  Neuopgen stimulates WBC growth in the bone marrow.  Will have to do it next week as well.

I asked Dr Crane what his definition of remission was.  When the cancer is not active.  Not that the tumors are gone, but not active.  He would say I am in remission now since tumors are responding and tumor markers are down.  We will continue the full treatment plan.  Six treatments are all that are indicated.

I asked what if the tumors are gone.  We scan at the end of treatment, then 3 months later.  What if the cancer does return.  Remember Dr Crane fully admits he is not God.  He says the next steps would depend on when the cancer returns.  It will return. This is not a primary site.  I had that already in June 2009.  Now that cancer has traveled (metastasized), it will return.  The only way it will not return is if we kill every cell.  The odds are not on our side given what has already happened.

If it returns before 6 months we would not repeat this treatment.  If it returns after 6 months we could repeat the same treatment we have been doing.  Question-does that mean if it comes back within 6 months there is nothing you can do for me?  No, says Dr Crane, I have lots of options for you.  sigh of relief!

I was hoping for extinction of this cancer.  Telling God to kill it.  He is my only hope,  Funny how something like this really drives that home.


Now before everyone starts to lecture me about God and His Power, I am already down with that.  I know I am in His great big Hands. It is His Call.  I find peace there.

As a nurse I have heard advice given to heart patients for years.  You better do this,  You better do that or you will die.

I used to think that would be motivation enough.  You  know if I don't eat right and exercise, take all these drugs, etc I would die.  So if that is not enough to motivate you perhaps nothing will.

When I was first diagnosed with metastasis someone encouraged me to charge up my credit cards(they obviously don't know Dave Ramsey!), and travel anywhere I want, do anything I want.

In reality, I have done pretty much what I wanted to do.  I don't have a bucket list.  Guess I kept my bucket maybe 1/3 empty.  There is one place I really want to go that I have not been and that place is in the plan if God allows me.  Guess that is not so bad a way to live.

I do tend to forget that I am not the only one going through this.  Yeah I do get the lead in this production.  But there are more players here.  David, Michelle, Bill, Haley, Nick, Blake, Dustin, Jess, Mom, Dad, Donna, David, Lori and their respective families.  And not to forget Dennis, Daryl, Dan, Denise and their families too.  And not to forget Fresh Winds.  I do not want it to always be about me when we get together to practice and Dan reminded me that they were dealing with this too. 

Dustin met the holistic oncologist and asked him what the family could do to help me.  Dr Sakko said "Community".  The people around me.  They are the ones who give energy.  So forgive me if I lean on you or pull from you.  Just continue to be there to provide a soft place to land.  I know you will.

My prayer is of course for complete healing.  I will continue to move toward a more healthy lifestyle.  No sense in making it harder for God you know.  If complete healing does not come, then my prayer is that God will make it easy and keep His loving arms all around me, comfort me and slide me right into the place He has prepared for me, and all who know Him.

continue to be my rock all of you.  I love you all so much, diane #1

ps: Oh and don't forget the "purple" ladies of my Awaited choir from Crossroads.

To everyone who reads this, please check out this event on Facebook. Save the date if you can! Thanks so much for your prayer and support for my mother and our family!

Save the Date Benefit for David and Diane Orner

Dustin