dark places....

yes, that's where I am.  one of those dark places I can go so easily.  this time it not only affects me.  


I have been guilty of pushing folks away.  many folks have told me how good my new hair looks.  I start to believe them then I see myself in a mirror or a picture.  my friends try to encourage me but I push them away.  I could wear my wig.  I could use a "do rag".  I am tired of those.  it really doesn't help for people to try to encourage me.   I get overwhelmed with folks making over me.  I know that's not normal, that I should not feel that way.  but I am not normal, especially now.  this is uncharted territory for me.  only thing I can figure is that I am self conscious about it and embarrassed.  when I look at myself I see a bald headed old lady.  I can't help it.


my intent is not to hurt anyone's feelings but I am sure that is what has happened.  I am sorry. please forgive me if you can.  

time...............issues.............

time, it's unpredictable.  precious.  fleeting.  scary.  passes too quickly.  allows us to enjoy.  love. experience both happiness and pain.  to live.  love.  laugh.

i am very aware that at any time one of my many doctors could tell me that the tumors are active.  i am only as confident as my last scan or test.

now i want to spend as much time as possible with the ones that are close to me, the ones that i love.  everyone has their own lives and lives are so full.  there just isn't enough time to go around.  i do hope we don't run out before doing all the things that we so want to do.

then there are "issues".   we all have them. and you know what?  they are still there when you get sick or some catastrophe forces it's way in to your life.  don't know what to do about it.  i guess some of the issues are not worth carrying around.  others don't seem so important after all.  but others you just can't seem to shake off.  oh if there could be a magic wand to make all things different.  but we all know better don't we........

i wish we had prepared better for retirement.  i would be so tempted to retire now and spend lots of time with the 8 people i love the most....david, michelle, bill, haley, nick, blake, dustin and jess.

but if i had that much time on my hands i would only get myself in to trouble.  i would sit at home and go to that "dark place" too deep and too often.  besides, i need the distraction. and the money.  gotta have money to be off work cause i like to shop.  don't have time to shop when working.....

so until i can retire i will just have to be satisfied with how much free time we have to be together.  i hope we can make the most of it.

i love you all!