better post before david does!

I almost had to take david's blackberry away.

Had tumor markers drawn before my treatment today.  the results were back before I left. (david was stuck at work so I was waiting for him to come get me) another example of God's sense of humor, coincidence, probably not, maybe, does it really matter?

anyway, result before first chemo was 50.  now------24!

according to doc that is reflective of the "activity" of the cancer.  the scans that I will have in the next couple of weeks will be the "definitive" proof.

this is the first positive news we have had since recurrence diagnosis on jan 4, 2011.

now dave asked was this the result of the supplements, chemo or what?  I said well we did have prayers going up.  so it could be one of them, a combination of them or all of them.  personally, I don't really care.

but as jeremiah 29:11 says "I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for". the message

random thoughts-if you are going to judge me or preach at me you should pass on this one!

It seem I am not in a good place right now.  This is the week I should feel best.  At least physically I feel better than last week.  Inside me, not so much.  Sadness overwhelms me.  I look around and all I can think of is that I have CANCER.  I want everyone to know.  But what can they do.  What can they say.  The answer is nothing.  I want people to feel sorry for me.  Why else would I want everyone to know.  But that is of no value.  No one benefits from that, especially me.

My pastor Brian said this past Sunday about suffering that when we are going through it  we just need someone to come along side us, hurt with us.  Not quote scripture.  Someone to understand where we are.  I thought I had been through suffering before.  And maybe there is more to come.  But this sure bites. 

I manage to be upbeat when around people for the most part.  But when alone, with my thoughts....I get frustrated very easily.  Fidgety.  Overwhelmed.  Sad.  Angry.  Why me, what did I do to piss God off. 

I must say I have never experienced so much love and support in my life.  It just blows me away.

Then to top it all off I went to my holistic oncologist today.  He really pushed me on the whole food and exercise thing.  The more he reads about the danger of mid-section weight the more concerned he gets.  The whole anti-inflammatory and insulin resistance process.  He pressed me on the exercise thing.  I am not in "condition".  Ya think?  If only I could afford to not work I could do all that.  Not likely to happen in my lifetime.  He says I need to clear the "chatter" in my mind.  Somehow relaxation and stress management need to be addressed too.  Really did not come away encouraged from that appointment today.  I always thought that if they told me I was going to die unless I changed my diet then I would certainly do.  I am finding that you REALLY don't know what you would do in a given situation until you have to do it.  There are some who add their input and that does not set well either.

My "hair" is starting to bother me.  Hats bother me.  I certainly don't want to scare people and go without either. I am too self conscious anyway. 

Then Last Wednesday at Crossroads.  It was about getting the joy back in our salvation.  Last Wednesday is one of the great things about Crossroads.  So encouraging.  I want my life to be about the joy of my salvation.  I was encouraged by the music.  Songs about God and all He is.  I leave there crying.  Told someone I would have to stop going 'cause I cry all the time.

I am learning things that I was not taught earlier in my life.  Things like God is not threatened by our thoughts or challenges.  He wants us to be honest with Him and pour our souls out to Him even when it is not pretty or politically correct.  Being politically correct has never been my strong suit. 

I don't know what all I need to ask God for.  I don't know what I need.  I just lay myself at His feet and say do Your thing.  I really got nothin' else.

nite owl

yeah, that's me. ever since I was a little girl my MO was to stay up all night.  the only reason I get up early is for work.  like now, I need to go to sleep so I can get up for work.  my natural urge is to stay up.  My eyes are so heavy.  talk about addiction.  this facebook stuff sucks you in.  I so enjoy keeping up with everyone.

I feel better each day. that's good.  I don't want to miss a thing.  so much for my rambling.

Deb

Thank you Debbie for the excellent food for tonight. It was delicious. And we have more leftovers for later. I appreciate your sacrifice and commitment to love Diane and shower us with your gifts and talents. God bless you and your family.

they said it would get worse each time....

Yep, they were right.  I thought I would at least be able to work a half day today then go to Fresh Winds practice.  Based on last time that's what I should have been able to do.  Oh not so.  Sorry FW I know it was not the same without good old #1.

Fatigue, neuropathy, muscle/bone pain.  Whew, just taking a shower was exhausting.  At least I got one today.  Oh well, I will expect the week of treatment to be bad, the next week better, then the third week good.  Guess that's why they give you 3 weeks to recover.  Percocet rules.

It's a good thing David bought that big flat screen HDTV last year.  I have totally taken it over.  Another good thing he also bought a smaller flat screen HDTV for the bedroom.  Yep, I let him take that one.

chemo #2

today the doc was going to adjust the dose since the fatigue gets worse with each treatment.  I said don't do it.  I would rather feel bad and get more meds to the "poison" so we can get this &$!+.... so he said we would see how I do with the same dose as last time. Kelly came a watched movies with me today.  David went back to work for a while.  Nice to spend time with Kelly.  Had not talked to her for a while.

I figured out some advantages for not having my own hair:

• saves money on hair dresser appts.  will miss the great conversation, Jan
• also save on hair color supply
• waking in the wind the hair does not blow in my mouth
• when leaning over the sink to brush my teeth nothing gets in my way
• no eating hair with food
• David can have the hair dryer all to himself, all thirty seconds it takes him the dry the "strip" around the bottom of his head
• if my head get hot I can just pull off my hat or wig
• when it grows back I know that I look good in short spiky hair, since I used to have hair almost that short
• it should shorten my preparation time significantly
• I'm sure there are more, and I will come up with them as time passes, feel free to chime in.

went to whole foods-depressed in there

then went to bed bath and beyond-better in there

then to walmart-always great there

better get some shut eye. will try to go for staff meeting in am.  based on last time I should be ok to do that.

If you are squeamish, don't read!

It is done.  I wanted to leave it in as long as I could but Sat I could not even style it because it was coming out by the comb and brush fulls.  Poor David has been cleaning hair for a while.  It was time.  Dustin was more than up for the task!  He had experience buzzing heads at college!

We were at Michelle's for the big game.  My "hair" started bothering me so I replaced it with a hat.  I hung my hair on a 2 liter bottle since I did not have my proper stand.  Haley says are you going to let us see.  I will be this way for a while so am I gonna be one of those folks that is so veign that even my family can't see.  Nick was a little reserved.  I asked if it bothered him and he was worried about me.  I shared with them that my friend who had lost her hair reminded me that when my hair falls out that means the chemo is also getting the cancer too.  They were pleased with that.  Blake noticed the wig propped up on a 2liter bottle and said it was creepy.  It made him think it was me......that Blake is so funny.

last week.

saturday just before the deed.  David just could not keep cleaning hair

saturday just before the deed.  I could not style because my hair was coming out with each pass of the brush and comb

saturday just before the deed

after the buzz!  notice the pictures behind me, they were drawn during the 70's for Michelle and me!

right profile

left profile

new look

my favorite team

And so it is!

fresh winds therapy

thursday was the next installment of my "fresh winds" therapy prescribed by my oncologist.  be with people, don't isolate yourself.  another part of my treatment plan that is so easy for me.  I get fed, energized, uplifted.  I get discouraged.  singing God's praises lifts me up.  especially with my best friends. there's just something about God's word in the form of music that just hits your soul.  king david got it right, you know?  even king saul knew it and david was his "therapy".  I will get there for my "therapy" if they have to drag me in on a sheet let down through the roof.  oh wait, that was another time and place.  anyway, my holistic oncologist really gets it!

I know dustin will buzz my head, I just have to give him the word!

my dna

I was hoping that maybe it would not happen.  that maybe it would just thin out.  but no, with each passing day it gets worse.  my dna is flying all over the hospital.  I run my fingers through my hair and it just comes out.  if you need tie me to any crime, you're still out of luck.  I am so squeaky clean it's boring.  I was always to afraid to do much of anything.  I'm getting over that!

I thought the kids might want to be included in this whole experience.  I asked them if they wanted to cut my hair.  Blake said he would just mess it up 'cause that is what he did when he was little.  that's right Blake.  we are just going to buzz it.  funny thing is, Michelle is gun shy.  wants me to wait until it falls out on its own.  it will be just a few strands very soon!

my take....

it's about time you heard from me.

the holistic oncologist:  he is a very kind and caring man.  we both liked him a lot.  he talked about creating an environment that is toxic to the cancer. fruits, veggies, organic as much as possible, low glycemic foods, you gotta get rid of the weight around your middle, no processed food, supplements, accupuncture, massages every week.  wait a minute, massages every week?  now you're talking.  I can do that. 

while he was giving us his thoughts I looked at David and said you know, you have heart disease and stroke.  the doc said yea, this is for you too. 

I went to Kroger and started looking through the natural food section.  my daughter already eats soy in place of dairy.  they have some acceptable stuff there.  tried the ezekiel brand of bread.  sprouted grain bread.  really not bad.  crunchy.  the thing I noticed most is, man this is expensive.  oh well, don't they say you get what you pay for?

main thing, this is not a diet, it's a lifestyle.  gradual lifestyle change.  there is no way to do it all at once.  well at least I can do the massages right away! 

what did David hear?  we need to be transitioned in a month when we see him again.  we were in the same room right?  hmmmm...............

thank you for the "purple ladies" of CR who continue to amaze me with you many kind expressions. Prayers for Diane, food to give us nourishment and attention that tells us we matter.
thanks to God for replacing fear with faith and doubt with confidence. these are challenging days for diane, yet filled with love and peace. yes this is a peace beyond human understanding, a peace that provides calmness in the midst of a storm, yes a "cleft in the rock" if you will, where we are "under the shadow of the almighty". miracles happen everyday. see the list above.