It seem I am not in a good place right now. This is the week I should feel best. At least physically I feel better than last week. Inside me, not so much. Sadness overwhelms me. I look around and all I can think of is that I have CANCER. I want everyone to know. But what can they do. What can they say. The answer is nothing. I want people to feel sorry for me. Why else would I want everyone to know. But that is of no value. No one benefits from that, especially me.
My pastor Brian said this past Sunday about suffering that when we are going through it we just need someone to come along side us, hurt with us. Not quote scripture. Someone to understand where we are. I thought I had been through suffering before. And maybe there is more to come. But this sure bites.
I manage to be upbeat when around people for the most part. But when alone, with my thoughts....I get frustrated very easily. Fidgety. Overwhelmed. Sad. Angry. Why me, what did I do to piss God off.
I must say I have never experienced so much love and support in my life. It just blows me away.
Then to top it all off I went to my holistic oncologist today. He really pushed me on the whole food and exercise thing. The more he reads about the danger of mid-section weight the more concerned he gets. The whole anti-inflammatory and insulin resistance process. He pressed me on the exercise thing. I am not in "condition". Ya think? If only I could afford to not work I could do all that. Not likely to happen in my lifetime. He says I need to clear the "chatter" in my mind. Somehow relaxation and stress management need to be addressed too. Really did not come away encouraged from that appointment today. I always thought that if they told me I was going to die unless I changed my diet then I would certainly do. I am finding that you REALLY don't know what you would do in a given situation until you have to do it. There are some who add their input and that does not set well either.
My "hair" is starting to bother me. Hats bother me. I certainly don't want to scare people and go without either. I am too self conscious anyway.
Then Last Wednesday at Crossroads. It was about getting the joy back in our salvation. Last Wednesday is one of the great things about Crossroads. So encouraging. I want my life to be about the joy of my salvation. I was encouraged by the music. Songs about God and all He is. I leave there crying. Told someone I would have to stop going 'cause I cry all the time.
I am learning things that I was not taught earlier in my life. Things like God is not threatened by our thoughts or challenges. He wants us to be honest with Him and pour our souls out to Him even when it is not pretty or politically correct. Being politically correct has never been my strong suit.
I don't know what all I need to ask God for. I don't know what I need. I just lay myself at His feet and say do Your thing. I really got nothin' else.
Diane, I would certainly hope that NO ONE would judge OR preach at you right now. Your thoughts are real and raw and you are very brave for sharing them. They are also ok. I agree with you that God wants us to be real. No faking, no pretending, no acting like someone we aren't. Nothing sickens me more. So you go, Girl! If sharing these most inner thoughts is what you need right now, then it's exactly what you should do. I care. And I'm sorry. Pam
ReplyDeleteDiane,
ReplyDeleteYou are right on God wants us to be real and honest with him. He did not send his son to die so we could be "churchy". I have grown closer to Jesus when I told him just the way I felt and laid at his feet until something was done about it!
Do not allow those who want to preach at you to bring you down. God tells us that we are to lift one another up as believers not tear them down. Run to Jesus and please don't quit singing. God has given you the most awesome gift and you have to continue to minister to others.. I know that you do not feel like it but I promise it will lift them and your spirits as well! You are a great woman- don't you ever forget it! If we can't be real with Jesus and others especially those who call themselves Christ followers- I say they should not put Christian near their name!
I am praying for you and your family! Hang on to Jesus! Wendy Watkins Stinson
Sis, I had just told someone yesterday that you appear to be putting on the good face showing everyone you are strong enough to walk this journey. No one expects you to pretend your okay. I see it in your eyes. You are human like the rest of us. You are allowed to be sad, mad, resent, blame, hate, and ask why. I believe that there is a certain process in order to get to the place of acceptance. We don't want to accept this and don't expect you to put on a plastic face and be someone you are not. Anyone who judges you or "says they are sick of hearing about it" is not worthy having an opinion. It is kinda the way I feel about Tammy and being the only one who will still let her talk about losing Krystal. Everyone else including her family doesn't want to hear it anymore. I almost lost Mark and that was too close for comfort. I will never tell her I don't want her to talk or listen to it anymore. I will allow her to talk as much as she needs to. When I had my cancer, I had no one who would listen as most people never bothered to even know about it. I just wanted it out of me anyway possible. I felt alone, unloved, and that again I wasn't good enough to matter. I am scared and I don't want to lose you. I don't want mom and dad or any of us to lose you. People who talk about or judge you are only the ones who act as if they are your friend just so they can be "in the mix" to know what is going on. Let God be their judge. Do what you need to do. Be mad, cry, scream, throw things. Release the need to feel you owe anyone a happy face. I told Jean when she was diagnosed that when she started treatment and if she lost her hair that I would shave my head so she wouldn't feel like she has to go through it alone. I meant it then and I mean it now. As vain as I have always been especially with my looks, I would do it for you too! When I first saw the pics of you with no hair, I was expecting you to be ugly and thought I would be horrified. Diane I was impressed that you had the guts to do it and that what it had to take for you to do. I am not kidding. Your eyes still shined without your hair. Your beauty was priceless. Well this is getting long so I will close. Don't be self conscious of anything. You are welcome to call me anytime if only to let me hear you cry, yell, scream, whatever. I know we live far away but as long as there is a phone, I will allow you to do whatever you need to do.. I love you. Love, Lori
ReplyDeleteDiane - First of all, thank you for being honest. Your reaction to all of this is normal and there truly is no right or wrong way in dealing with cancer. It's a horribly cruel disease that just plain sucks. I can't give you answers on why you are going through this. I can't provide you with "healing" remedies or quick fixes. But, I can pray. And, I am doing a great deal of that right now. Hang onto God's promise that he will never leave nor forsake you.
ReplyDeleteYour post made me cry today. I wanted to tell you that so you know your not crying alone. People love you and feel thru your words your pain and your Heart.You are A Brave, Beautiful, Loving person and all the raw emotions you are feeling touch everyone that cares for you. Tears are alright.Fear is alright.Its okay to feel discouraged and want to share that with people who love you. Remember Bad days and No Hair don't define you. Your Beautiful spirit makes you who you are....The Fact you are so well loved defines who you are....Praying for you everyday that God holds you in his compassionate Hands and eases your suffering..I love you!
ReplyDeleteWell, the way I look at it is NO ONE has the right to judge you!!!! These are your feelings, yours!!!! I cannot imagine what you are going through but please know that we continue to pray for you "continually"!!!!!! Please keep posting and keeping us up to date and thank you for being honest!!!!
ReplyDeleteDiane, this is Stephanie, one of David's former colleagues and a friend. Yes, I can share your pain and know what you are feeling. It is not easy to go through chemo and radiation and the more times you do chemo, the more fatigue sets in. At one time this past summer, I had very little hair and what I had looked like a plucked chicken..I fell and broke my right wrist and had surgery and then a cast..I fell again and broke two fingers on my left hand, cracked my elbow and sprained my ankle. I was a sight but I knew God loved me. What others might have said or thought didn't bother me. Here's another one I hope will make you smile...my 88 year old mother-in-law asked me on Christmas Eve where and why I had gotten a "kinky perm." It was my first time out without a wig or head cover and I sat there stunned in front of about 30 people. I had tears inside but I said to myself, I am going to tough this and not cry. She is elderly and didn't mean what she blurted out..and yes, I live with new curls daily. I think and pray for you daily. If you feel like it, come over to the Wellness Community. I know it's easier said than done when you are going through chemo but there are so many others who do know what you are going through right now. I was volunteering this past Friday and met a lady who was given a diagnosis of six months and she is still here four years later. She gave me hope!
ReplyDeleteStephanie Wolfram
I haven’t worked it all out but here are some thoughts. When I was diagnosed my principal gave me a book called "Fruit of the Vine." Basically the gist of the book was that my cancer (the fruit) was a result of sin (the vine) in my life. Well, that really hurt. But I took an inventory of my life. I saw that I had made mistakes and had sinned but that I had sought forgiveness for those sins. That inventory was a good thing that came from a very hurtful situation. But I was still left with the why. Some well meaning people told me that on the other side of this experience I would be able to help others because of what had happened to me. And that was the reason why. I quickly realized that I didn’t really love other people enough to go through what I was going through just so I could help them some other time. Not a nice thought but it’s the truth. So, I was still left with the why. Then one day a very wise person helped me see something I hadn’t noticed before. In scripture the greatest commandment is to love the Lord your God. To love someone you must have a relationship with them. He is seeking an intimate relationship with us, constantly, through all circumstances. You do not have cancer because of sin in your life. He did not give you cancer. We live in a fallen world. However, I believe that the end result will be a closer relationship with Him. And if that’s all that happens then it was worth it. To be loved so intimately. Kristine Parenteau
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