you'll be ok!

haven't updated for a while.  yeah, I'm still pink and breathing.

I feel good, just get tired.  get out of breath when do anything physical.  guess I'll have to not do anything physical.  I am working more, getting closer to 40 hours.  I am in remission.

went to last wednesday.  awesome time of worship.  music for the entire time.  music speaks to my soul. sometimes, most of the time, it is the only thing that lifts me up.

I put on a good face when I am with people.  but I can go to the dark place so easy when I am by myself.  sometimes I want to be by myself.  it's probably not good for me.

His love endures forever.  I gotta remember that.  I know He loves me.  I've heard it all my life.  Sometimes I have to really remember it.

I have folks come up and tell me that they had cancer too.  or a family member had cancer.  That they have been cancer free for a bunch of years.  You will be ok they say.  most of them are referring to primary sites, they found it, took it out and it has not come back.  I had my primary site in june 2009.  I am dealing with metastasis.  that changes the whole game.  outcomes change markedly when there is metastasis.  stage IV is never good news.  there I go with "nurse talk" again.  unless God intervenes I know what is in store for me.  like my sister-in-law says, I know too much.

cancer free is a misnomer.  no one can say with certainty that they are cancer free.  even those who have never been diagnosed with cancer.  you just do not know.  it hides and pounces on you and you don't even feel it.  the best anyone can say is there is no evidence of disease.  that's it.  ned.  I can't even say that.

the folks that tell me I'll be ok mean well.  they want to encourage me.  they have the best intentions.  I get that.  maybe they want to make themselves feel better.  it's hard to watch someone go through this and not be able to help them.

maybe the definition of "you'll be ok" needs to be reconciled in me.  I think when someone tells me I'll be ok they mean the cancer will be cured, or that I will live a long time.  don't get me wrong.  I would like nothing better.

when I am told I'll be ok I need to see that the meaning is really what ever God decides for me is ok.  If  He sees fit to extend my life for many years I'll be ok.  if He does not, then I'll be ok too.  What ever God decides, I'll be ok.

mean while, life goes on.  it was great to see my fresh wind friends at graeter's last nite.  ice cream is my greatest down fall.  well, that and chocolate.  we are going on vaca with the kids to destin.  david and I will celebrate our 40th anniversary jul 3.  dustin and jess are getting married dec 17th.  I am in remission.  gonna be a great rest of the year.................