anticipation....

yes, it is 330am est.  I have second dose of "poison" of this round 3 in just a few hours.  I start feeling better, then they hit you, knock you down.  I've done this before.  I know it will be awful for days, I know I will feel better in a while.   but then I know next time it will be worse.  It will be worse every time. 


the rollar coaster of emotions.  better on days I feel better.  crappy on the days I don't.  


If this disease could just stay the same.  If I have to take multiple rounds of chemo then so be it.  I have never felt the cancer.  I never knew it had spread.  it jumped out on a ct scan.  I had just done awaited with my church family.  it was an amazing time.  I met great folks I would not have met and they have so enriched my life.  it would be just 11 short days later my life changed forever.  thanks to cr's, especially my "purple girls".


my freshwinds friends carried me through.  I hope they know but maybe they don't really realize.  I have never experienced friends like this before.


david has stepped up and taken care of me.  as some of you know, it is me that is suppose to take care of him.  this last year our insurance company spent more money on me than many previous years when david was sick.  this was never suppose to be.  I am the nurse, it is my job.


last year people kept telling me to fight.  I did not know how much good if any that would do.  one doc called me a "fatalist" because my attitude was one that God had it all planned out anyway.


I am not so sure now.  I do believe that God has a beginning and end determined.  but what goes in between seems not so much a divine plan or blueprint.  we have free will to choose.  we try to do the right thing.  but do we always choose the best.  I know I don't.


God's original plan was not for us to have death, disease, problems, etc.  His plan was to be paradise.  


then came the choice of adam and eve in the garden.  paradise gone.  death, disease, destruction now the norm.  God never planned this.  He does not do this to "teach us a lesson".  


God does deliver us from death, disease and destruction,just like He delivers from sin.


so, just maybe there is something to be gained in fighting against this terrible disease.  why else would someone take this "poison" in hopes of being found "no evidence of disease".   I will keep fighting.